Flaws, vulnerability and mess must Trump prestigious bullshit

November 05, 2016

Getting good marks on assessments, particularly when I feel my understanding, intellect and academic writing is lacking in so many ways, is quite brilliant. Not to mention working with my wavering motivation, focus and frustratingly slow writing pace... This morning I was humouring my rare and occasional wish to be able to speak, to able to articulate my thoughts in ways that make them credible to people around me, so I can have more of a sense of agency and capability over social situations. There's definitely a whole lot of grief there, to be 26 and still working on getting my bachelors degree and trying to carve out a way to cope, take up space and be content with my tiny life and existence, is awfully grazing. I don't often dwell on it or even think about "what ifs", but people like Trump make me realise how powerful speech can be. It can make bullshit sound appealing and sexist arseholes surprisingly marketable. I know it's a particularly 'unenlightened' and angry demographic, but still it's Trump's verbal arrogance that has gotten such a brazen fuckwit to be running for president. Then I remind myself that my means of communication often makes people really engage with my thought process, my ambiguity and flawed humanity. My communication requires so much deconstructing of social norms and niceties, and my frustration and lack of acceptance is just my ego rubbing against institutionalised expectations and ways of articulating one's self. I probably won't ever be seen in society as a nicely presented, a strong and articulate human being, but I am so fortunate that people have always been able to see me as worthwhile with all my hesitancy, clumsiness and chaos. That perhaps is my personal form of political resistance, to be not able to communicate my thoughts and feelings concisely or quickly, or without this effortful deliberation. I don't know.