04/11/2019

I sometimes find myself chasing a tail, 

Following a raging spiral, 

It swirls inwards,

I go towards the centre of myself, 

Never quite seeing the shape of the creature, 

Never knowing if it will kill me or not, 

But I chase it anyway. 

I move, 

Suddenly this intense homesickness wraps around my spine, 

It winds me up,

That amorphous creature grows,

Pinning me down, 

But I still can’t look at it, 

I just want to go home. 

I just want to be somewhere I can be present, 

I just want to be home, 

Please take me home, 

Can you take the lead?

I just want to follow you for once. 

Take me the long way around, 

To the dark,  beautiful places I can’t get to on my own,

Maybe then I  will be brave, 

Maybe then I can make friends with the animal,

Feed it and let it run free, 

without having to worry that  it will create more chaos. 

On the way, we can explore the inexpressible, 

Create a new language only we know, 

For in the dark, ‘surrender’ means something different,

We both can let go, but not of each other, 

I need to feel you, to help me remember my way, 

Because we don’t have a map, but it’s fun to get lost sometimes.. 

it’s fun to take a risk, to get to know something that scares you, 

To be uncertain about the path you’re on.

 Wait, do I even know what is safe anymore? 

I am disoriented, where is home? Where do I want to go?

Maybe I just want to feel at home in my body and let you take me there,  to ensure I don’t flee I n the process.